Women as Art

For some time now, I have been thinking of the most effective way to classify women. Classify isn’t the right word for exactly what I mean, but for the sake of argument, let’s just pretend that I understand all women are unique and one of a kind.
Nonetheless, I wanted to utilize some medium of explanation that most people could understand without necessarily being an expert. I wanted this medium to fully encompass the beauty, individuality, and diversity of women while simultaneously being interpretive to each individual classifier. In other words, I wanted to come up with a mode of classification that is as ambiguous and arbitrary as possible while seeming to compliment all women so as not to upset any women whom I may now, or in the future, be pursuing for romantic reasons.
I landed on paintings.
What is to follow is my best first attempt to utilize famous painters as a means for classifying women. These classifications are based solely on a woman’s appearance, as paintings are visual and preferences are based on the appeal aesthetically. So is also true, at least initially, with attraction. It is admittedly a working progress but here goes.



Michelangelo
I start with one of the two Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on this list, Michelangelo is most famous for having painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in Rome. If you have ever been to the Vatican and have seen his work (I sadly have not seen in person) you will undoubtedly notice one thing that will stand out at you. For being the center of Catholicism, this Chapel is ordained with an awful lot of naked people, predominately dudes. For Michelangelo, painting was not of primary importance. He much preferred sculpture.
Women who are categorized as “Michelangelo’s” are the women who catch your eye, mostly because of the skin they like to show. I hesitate to call these women beautiful because, as in Michelangelo’s paintings, most of the attention is drawn to skin as opposed to beauty.



Leonardo da Vinci
Perhaps the most famous of all painters incorporated in this list. Da Vinci was the alpha male. There seemingly wasn’t a thing he tried that he wasn’t exceptional at. He was even perfect in his imperfections. His most famous painting, the Mona Lisa, is surrounded with artistic criticism for having a number of inconsistencies such as the horizon level on the left of the woman is lower than on the right. Yet it is possibly the most celebrated painting of that or any era. The Last Supper, which portrays the last meal of Jesus before being taken away to be crucified, has been damaged greatly because of da Vinci’s insistence of techniques that cause the paint to crack and peel.
‘Leonardo’s’ are women who just look too perfect. You know the women who are always put together, never have so much as a hair out of place, yet something about the way they look makes you think, ‘she’s hiding something.’ From close up or far away, Leonardo’s are very attractive, but very rarely have substance that makes any sense.



Vincent van Gogh
Van Gogh is notorious for cutting his own ear of and supposedly sending it to his girlfriend. Creep. He spent the last of his days in an asylum where he produced most of his most famous works, including Starry Night. When you look at his works, color is utilized to an incredible degree. His painting style is not clean like Michelangelo or Da Vinci, instead it uses brush strokes to enhance the painting.
‘Van Gogh’s’ are women that are opposite of Leonardo’s. They covet the casual and are the eternal hot mess. They look just as good rocking a pair of jeans and a tank as they do a sundress, but are never perfectly put together. These women have that intriguing aura that comes from a slightly disheveled look. Unlike Leonardo’s, Van Gogh’s only get better the longer you look at them and more you get to know them.



Pablo Picasso
Of all the painters I chose to represent in this list, I think Picasso’s work depress me the most. A great deal of Picasso’s portfolio center around the gutters of society. Prostitutes, homeless, otherwise decrepit make up the majority of his subject matter. He seems to have quite the affection for the dark and mysterious while distorting and abstracting reality. Also notice that the subjects are very detailed yet the background says almost nothing, leaving the viewer to wonder, what is going on in this painting?
Everyone knows the ‘dark and mysterious’ fem-fatale. They are the ‘Picasso’s’. They’re the women with the seductive looks and even more mysterious demeanor. These are the women with ‘the look that kills’. For Picasso’s, the name of the game is ‘you want what you can’t have’.



Salvador Dali
Salvador Dali’s paintings often seem random and perplexing upon first glance. He was the leader of the surrealist movement. Dali was the perpetual bad-boy, never wanting to conform to the norms of society which explains some of his unorthodox paintings and the depth of thought invoked by each piece.
Women who are ‘Dali’s’ are the women you often just can’t stop watching. Not because of their beauty necessarily, but because something about them is so unique or unconventional. These are the women that you look at and think, ‘I bet that girl is crazy’. Maybe crazy fun, maybe crazy interesting, maybe just plain crazy but, I’m not going to lie, what woman isn’t (refer to my last posting) a little crazy? Dali’s just embrace it to the fullest.



Claude Monet
Claude money has made himself famous painting nature. It’s safe to say landscapes are his thing. Sadly, Monet struggled with deteriorating eyesight, a family disowning him for having a child out of wedlock, and a sometimes unprofitable career. You wouldn’t know by looking at his colorful and peaceful paintings that Monet struggled most of his life. From up close, Monet’s paintings are a cataclysm of brush strokes and color. But from further away, the paintings are beautiful and serene.
‘Monet’s are the women who from far away look great. They’re the women you see walking towards you on the sidewalk that look great, only you’re disappointed once you see them up close. These women aren’t always unattractive but more of not what you were expecting. There is still a lot of beauty to be seen in these women it just may need to be seen through a different perspective.



Andy Warhol
Last, but not least is Andy Warhol. He is my favorite artist. Warhol broke down artistic barriers and brought art into the realm of pop-culture. His work of Campbell’s soup can’s are some of the most celebrated and famous artwork of American History. Warhol started as the quintessential ‘starving artist’ and the paradox of the New York art scene, unpretentious and shy while still being visible.
Women who are ‘Warhol’s’ are classically simple. The little black dress that is plain and not flashy. These are the women who present themselves as confident and assertive without really advertising. It is easy for Warhol’s to be overlooked because they don’t seek attention like Dali’s do and aren’t as complex as Van Gogh’s. Though they are simple, they are anything but ordinary.


And there’s my list. Seven artists, seven different types of women.